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• Artiste: David Roth
• Titre: Lost Wallet Waltz
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To whom it may concern regarding my wallet The purple and black one I didn't take hiking The reason I left it behind in the car was I didn't think I would be needing my billfold for Climbing a mountain, the less weight the better Especially at forty-one hundred feet high Now you've got my wallet and I've got a headache And both inexorably linked by demand and supply I have a car alarm but I didn't set it In case it should go off while we were up hiking And bother the rest of the outdoor enthusiasts Who'd come to this mountain to flee from the noise Of the city, the traffic, the crime and the sirens The rustle and rumble, the roar of I-5 And thus you're now holding the paper and plastic Rectangles that prove I'm alive There's my driver's license, don't laugh at the picture So what, I was having a really bad hair day The green card belongs to our natural food coop I think it expired but you can renew with my Mileage Plus Visa, the Gold one I used last year Paid for my wedding, we walked down the aisle If you use the Visa, please call 1-800 And see if they'll give me the miles I appreciate the neatness with which you could bypass The lock on the passenger door of our van And how one little "Jimmy" could pop the thing open With barely a trace of a struggle or tantrum I hope you're not injured, but if you need treatment My Blue Cross credentials should fare you quite nicely And if you need directions wherever you go next Call my Triple A and they'll give them precisely The long distance phone card is cheaper on weekends But not so for Blockbuster video renting Please use your discretion with my ATM card I'm sorry, I'm probably mad and I'm venting It's just that you know how much time it will take me Replacing those papers I carry around Not to mention my coffee card, please send back my coffee card I promise I won't prosecute on those grounds I don't mean to say that our day wasn't lovely What with sandwiches, strawberries, chocolate, graham crackers But a word of advice, if you ever go hiking With trail mix from Costco, stay close to a bathroom Hey, we got some exercise, fresh air and nature And you, you went shopping with my cash and plastic So if you should vote with the card with my name on it Please kindly vote Democratic If you had to have money you could have just asked me I might have said no but I could have referred you To Doug at the bank who just gave us a mortgage If he gave us money, he'd give some to you But I can't really blame you, the world isn't fair Sometimes people, they lose things and others, they find em I hope you can use all that stuff in my wallet But I probably would not use that condom