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Artiste:
Frantics (The)
Titre:
Army Careers
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Ed Gruberman: Hey, you! Is this where you join the Canadian armed forces? Recruiter: This is the Recruitment Center. Would you like to enlist? Ed Gruberman: Do you have guns? Recruiter: Yes, we do. Ed Gruberman: I'm in! Recruiter: Well done, welcome aboard. First the paperwork. Name? Ed Gruberman: Ed. Ed Gruberman. I can't wait to boot some head! Recruiter: All right. Well, would you like Army, Navy, or Air Force? Ed Gruberman: Who has the most guns? Recruiter: Uh, Army. Ed Gruberman: I want Army. Recruiter: Okay! Now which course would you like? Ed Gruberman: Courses? Recruiter: Yes, to learn a career. Ed Gruberman: I don't want a career, I want a gun. I want a biiiig gun! Recruiter: Everyone wants a free education. It's our incentive to enlist. Now, pick three from this pamphlet. Ed Gruberman: "Introduction to International Politics"? "Computers 101"? "Antique Restoration"? Recruiter: Yes, that qualifies you to work on our helicopters. Ed Gruberman: Look! Don't you have any courses with guns? Recruiter: Well, yes. Last page. Ed Gruberman: "Intro to Ammo"? "Advanced Wounding"? "Creative Bazookas"?! Ooh, ooh! I'll take all these! Recruiter: Fine. Uh, any mental diseases or physical deformities? Ed Gruberman: Okay, I'll take paranoia, three nipples, and uh-- Recruiter: No no no no. I mean-- Ed Gruberman: What? Oh. Recruiter: Nev-never mind. Would you like in on the pension plan? Ed Gruberman: No. Recruiter: Christmas club? Ed Gruberman: No! Recruiter: King or Queen size? Ed Gruberman: Look, I want a gun! I want to kill people! Recruiter: What, who? Ed Gruberman: Uh, Afghanis. Recruiter: We're not at war with them. Ed Gruberman: We will be after I start killin' em! Recruiter: No, we don't kill people. Ed Gruberman: Not even Al Qaeda? Recruiter: Oh, no no no. They're dangerous. We don't want to get them angry. Ed Gruberman: What a wimp! Recruiter: I'm not a wimp! I'm EXTREMELY tough. I do advanced Pilates. Ed Gruberman: You're a wimp! Have you shot anyone lately? Recruiter: Well, the Canadian Army isn't about shooting people. It's about career training and being all you can be on a limited budget. Ed Gruberman: I want to bathe in a geyser of enemy blood! Recruiter: That hardly sounds sanitary. Ed Gruberman: SCREW sanitary! I want to blow things up like in "Shaving Ryan's Privates"! Recruiter: No no, no. The-the movie was "Saving Private Ryan". Ed Gruberman: What movie? Recruiter: Look-- I-- Ed Gruberman: What? Recruiter: What? I-- Ed Gruberman: Look, let me explode a few buildings! Recruiter: No! Ed Gruberman: One stab wound! Recruiter: No, our insurance rate will go up. Ed Gruberman: What are you, a bunch of girls?! Recruiter: NO! Well, ek-except for the girls. Ed Gruberman: There's GIRLS in the army?! Recruiter: And they're just as tough as the men. Ed Gruberman: So they don't shoot anyone either, huh? Recruiter: Well, that's not what we do! Ed Gruberman: Wimp! What DO you do? Recruiter: Peacekeeping. Ed Gruberman: Wimp. Recruiter: Border patrol. Ed Gruberman: Wimp. Recruiter: Parades. Ed Gruberman: Wimp! Recruiter: Typing. Ed Gruberman: Wimp! Recruiter: Filing. Ed Gruberman: WIMP! Recruiter: That does it! Get out of here before I do something! Ed Gruberman: Oh, I'm real scared! What are you gonna do, file me out? Recruiter: Uh, wait-wait a minute. Just what are you doing here anyway? Ed Gruberman: I told you! I want a gun, I want a lot of guns, I want to start killing anyone I disagree with! Recruiter: Oh-ho. Oh, you want the AMERICAN army. Ed Gruberman: Oh, okay, thank you. Bye-bye! TRX is online now Reply With Quote