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Artiste:
That Handsome Devil
Titre:
Dating Tips
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People often ask me Godforbid they say, you're quite the ladies man, what's your secret? Well, You too can be swimmin' in women Afloat in seas of ovaries But more importantly Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes You have a diamond in the rough Or colored contact lenses and a rough (slipping sound) stripper named Diamond. Let's recreate the scene: Make believe you're at a table seat Talking playfully to the waitress at your local place to eat Way below the apron Maybelline, smell of eggs and cheese, bacon grease, she's a babe an 8 at least You wanna push the plate of quasadillas off the table, and spread them angel's wings, but you can't say a thing? If you don't do well with women, They sell prescription drugs on television May cause loss of appetite Malnutrition, Dizzy spells, And different bells were ringing, And that's where I come in and give 'em a little extra help to get 'em (You can't get) You see, confidence is key when entering any situation. (In her pants) We all have insecurities So why not build your confidence on the insecurities of others (But you don't) Hey, she's gonna (banging sound) somebody (Give a damn) So why not you! The drunker you are, The easier it is to get laid, But the harder it is to (boing sound) You may have to picture what it is this month Whoever you been thinking of The girl at the Pizza Hut, Midgets, Nuns, Whatever little miss it was. And with a little hard work, A little luck, If you haven't given up, Maybe you can get it up! Now a (poke sound) is supposed to be fun Instant gratification, a roller coaster But no one wants to get stuck over and over Going home to the roller coaster It's hard to watch your shows And do your homework And when the ride you rode is over It'll cost more than a roll of quarters (You can't get) So pull out! I know how warm and good it feels (In her pants) But it's getting crowded round here Please! Pull out! (But you don't) If it's not the one you wanna stay with You can avoid the face, (Give a damn) But not the abbreviation Taking payments from your paycheck You can do it! Pull out! Men have what I call a Columbus Complex Other people may have been there, But we still want to feel like we discovered it So don't tell the number that you done it with Your summers in Columbia When you were young and done a bunch of dumber (boing sound) Rambunctious kids! Wait for the second date to cuff the wrists Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts Now a well trimmed personal area, that's nice But why's she so ready? You don't suppose That she never knows When she might show somebody? Now think of that before you go steady, Or maybe at your own wedding. (You can't get) If she's your girlfriend Leave her alone with your friends (In her pants) Now, I don't expect no virgin, But let 'em try to screw her If she's flirting, or she (cartoon feet sound) (But you don't) It won't work man, Get rid of her And get yourself a new girlfriend Remember, (Give a damn) The currency exchange rate, At this party she's an 8, At the club a 7, At my apartment a 10. Environment dictates. The morning after, She may slip to a three Cause some things are better just to lust for. This concludes the introductory segment of the Godforbid self-help collection Hey, sleep with other races Help out international relations. For further behavioral instructions, consult the nearest strip club, and/or liquor store Thank you, and enjoy yourself (If it's not the one you want just let it go) (This is a good country filled with good people. But what good is good? In times like these.)